The England national football team is a toxic entity. No matter who the manager is, no matter who is on the pitch, the whole damn thing is poisonous. This has never been so starkly evident than in the past 4 weeks. From top to bottom, from the FA boardroom to the police cells of Marseille; from the highest paid players on the planet to the lowest vermin tabloid sports hacks, the whole culture of the English national football team needs to be torn asunder and rebuilt. They limped home from France in embarrassment, their epic failure to become a punchline for generations. All involved should be ashamed, including their fans (not just the misbehaving ones) and including the English press. In the shadows of a mindless referendum on EU membership, a mindless football culture fell apart. What is most interesting this time is that there is no scapegoat. It’s time for England to look in one place only for the explanation – the mirror. But I wager few, if any, will do that, instead looking to a multitude of scapegoats. Each one, however, can be absolved in turn.
They will look to the technical ability of the players and their coaching – how they have less coaches per capita than some of the European giants. But these players show ability week in week out in the Premier League. Eric Dier does not become shite when he swaps the white of Spurs for the white of England. They are not bad players. Nor are the England based Welsh semi-finalists.
Another age-old bogeyman is the lack of a winter break. There is no question about it but that a winter break is required for many reasons, but England’s inability to perform even half-decent over 4 games cannot be blamed on this. Again, most of the Welsh team play in England and it never affected them in getting to the semi-final. At that stage the exertions over the previous few weeks may have gotten to them, and only then against a better side. But Ireland managed to out-perform England as well, even with suspicions being raised about our lads’ fitness by the end of our tournament. Where Ireland dug deep to beat Italy, England had nothing to respond to Iceland – and don’t even begin to try to explain that Iceland’s first XI would be better than Italy’s second XI; where Ireland took the game to France and looked comfortable for long periods 1-0 ahead only to be undone by some bloody good play, defensive lapses and a red card, England crumbled after taking the lead against Iceland and did nothing against Russia or Slovakia. Did nothing! Yet all of the Irish players play in England, with the exception of Robbie Keane. There was no need for Robbie Brady to have a winter break in order to break his balls to get himself onto Wes Hoolahan’s cross, nor was a January respite required for Wes to show the balls needed to get straight back into the Italians having just missed a sitter. Nah. A winter break will give England-based players some much-needed rest (unless of course they are dragged all over the globe to raise money for the oligarch owners) but it won’t win them tournaments.
Then there’s the manager. Or managers. Mercer, Revie, Greenwood, Robson, Taylor, Venables, Hoddle, Keegan, Erikson, McLaren, Capello, Hodgson. All failures at the England job since Alf Ramsey’s World Cup victory in 1966 at Wembley. Their last trophy was won in black and white. Two semi-finals and fuck all else since. Epic failure during the 1970s and under Taylor and McLaren where they even failed to qualify. It’s not all their faults. They’ve tried them all in recent years yo-yoing from needing a foreigner to inject something new to needing an Englishman to inject something old. All have failed. It’s not the manager.
What has really come out in recent weeks, however, is the pure poison emanating from the English media. The use by that vile Murdoch publication of that vile picture and caption of Wayne Rooney’s son was perhaps that notorious rag’s lowest point in sports coverage in recent years. It was disgusting, absolutely disgusting. And those responsible for that abusive front page should be ashamed of themselves. I bet they are not. I bet they are bloody thrilled with themselves.
Former detergent salesman Danny Baker is another example of this OTT bullshit – faux outrage click-bait scumbaggery of the highest order. Does this character really think that the best thing to do in order to build a footballing empire to rival Germany, Italy and even Wales!!! is to repeatedly call your players “worms” and a “fucking disgrace”. Christ almighty!
So when you see England internationals on the pitch shitting themselves and underperforming, it’s not because they are useless and overpaid bastards. It might however be explained by the fact that they’re worried that some middle-aged often overweight men might decide to put their crying child on the news-stands across the nation the next day or tweet that they are all worms. If the English media are in any way reflective of the English people, then they have exactly the team they fucking deserve. But we know they are not and we know they deserve far far better. It would seem, however, that the tabloid hacks shoulder a massive amount of blame for England’s 5 trophyless decades and need to have a serious look at themselves. But, as their coverage of Paul Gascoigne in recent days shows, they won’t. Another football genius, possibly the last true English football genius, hounded by the English media. Leave him in peace for the love of God.
One of the media’s favourite hobby-horses is of course the money players get paid. They even lie and make up stuff to ‘prove’ how out of touch these millionaires are, such as the one a few weeks back about Raheem Sterlings gold-encrusted sink in his latest mansion. Of course, the house in question was bought by Raheem for his mother. Yet some odious cretin and his editor put the misleading bullshit headline into their rag, with the truth buried in later paragraphs.
They do have a point here I guess. Average to poor Premier League players are paid an awful lot of money. This must affect their hunger and desire no? You could see how little success meant to other footballing millionaires like Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale, right? Or Antoine Griezmann? Or any player from any successful national team of the past 15 years. Remember that great team of German paupers who won the last World Cup? Or the Spanish team that were all on minimum wage who won 3 out of 3 tournaments? Nah lads it’s not the money that makes them complacent, it’s that fucking media again telling them they are “worldies” or “top, top” players when they’ve barely fucking played half a season. Year after year after year, English children (because remember that’s what they are when they break though) are told that they are among the very best in the world at football, despite having achieved nothing. Sterling is another great example. He has yet to win a major trophy yet had already been built up as an English messiah while at Liverpool and is now in the process of being cruelly torn apart.
The final bogeyman, and a new one at that, is lack of leadership. If only England had a real lionheart barking out the orders, with a Butcherload of blood all over their head and jersey, wouldn’t they be great. This is of course absolute and total nonsense. John Terry, Steven Gerrard, Bryan Robson, Terry Butcher etc. etc. etc. all great leaders who have never lifted a major international trophy. While they could absolutely benefit from having a John Terry instead of a Chris Smalling now, it’s not the answer.
So what is?
The answer is beyond football, in my view. It lies in English culture, and is something that seeps into Irish culture as well. It’s a lack of education. I don’t mean University Degrees or PhDs, or even GCSEs or Leaving Certs. I just mean knowing how to behave and how to think. It doesn’t seem to affect Irish soccer at the international level, but it sometimes does in the domestic game and can seep into GAA on rare occasions. It’s the lack of objective critical analysis and a default to the cheap and tacky within all of us. A mob mentality. Banter and groupthink trumping real thought about the game. A Soccer AM world view (below). Proper Football Men. The ongoing sneer that has been directed at Arsene Wenger from some quarters for 20 years, which was turned on Rafa Benitez for a while too. It’s 8 pints of cheap lager and a bag of chips. It’s X-factor and it’s Britain’s Got Talent. It infects the Irish too. Educated players are given nicknames. Graeme Le Saux was labelled a homosexual because he went to college and read the Guardian. What the hell has that got to do with England losing to Iceland you ask? It has EVERYTHING to do with it.
There is no thought in that team. No one seems to know what to do and when to do it. Clueless. And it’s not just up to a football coach to teach that. It’s a social thing. Teachers in schools teach that as well. Parents teach it. England is always on the hunt for Roy Race. He’s a comic character. Gerrard never did it for England. Neither did Captain Marvel Bryan Robson either as he left the international stage trophyless and without reaching a final. Football may be about fairytales at times, but 99% of the time football is about ability and out-thinking as well as out-muscling your opponent. England cannot do that anymore, and if we’re honest, haven’t ever really done it in my lifetime.
John Nicholson of Football365 got in there ahead of me (I’m part-time and started this post several days ago!!) when examining England’s performances and he is spot on in many ways. But it still does not account for England’s failings alone. It’s something about that jersey and the pressure combined with the intellectual mediocrity that makes it impossible. Wales and Northern Ireland exceeded expectations in Euro 2016 with groups of England-based players. Ireland pretty much met expectations with England-based players. It’s not just English, British or Irish culture alone that’s the problem. It’s the culture around this team specifically. Our lads escape England to play for their countries. As do the Welsh. But the Premier League bubble wraps itself around the English team and the bullshit and hype goes on.
The England team has for well over a decade now been crippled by hype, anti-intellectualism and a poisonous media. Even Irish fans are bored of their failings. It has to change.
Good luck to Sam Allardyce if he gets the job. If he fails, so what. It’s just the above to blame again. If he succeeds, well he obviously learned everything he knows in Limerick…
A Yard of Grass 